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LORD CRUSADER ACCUSED OF ‘GROSS MORAL TURPITUDE’

By Max Hastings, Mirrormane Correspondent

Dateline: 21-12-518

Calls are growing within the Church demanding the resignation of Sir Gaborn Val Orden, Lord Crusader of Merl and the King’s chief tax collector, who has been accused of morally inappropriate behaviour and conduct unbecoming the head of a Crusading Order.

The accusations stem from an overnight stay that the Lord Crusader and his entourage made in a tavern on the estate of Baron Tycho M'Grue, the Dwarven Governor of White Tower Island, which during the absence of her father in the Underworld is being administered by Dame Bethanica M'Grue.

According to reports, the Lord Crusader and his entourage sat down in the ‘Stovepipe and Stoat’ to enjoy a curry from the tavern’s kitchen, but Sir Gaborn had too much to drink. “He were saying summit about High Priest Morgut I thinks” one tavern regular told this reporter, “then suddenly he jumps up, pulls off his badge of office from round his neck, waves it round his head, and shouts ‘If any man here thinks they can do a better job then me at running this order then, ‘ere, take this pendent, my rank and everything that goes with it.’ Then he throws it down on the table, picks up a whole bottle of Twang ZZZZ Special Brew, and downs it in a oner. Then he staggers off towards the bar, says to the barmaid ‘you, my room, and bring a friend’ and then he’s gone.”

Blonde barmaid Gloria Sennapod (24) told this reporter of her night of three-in-a-bed passion with the Kingdom’s senior tax collector. “He asked us if we would like to come and help him polish his sword, which isn’t the most original chat-up line, even for a crusader, but he did have a lot of gold with him and he was very very generous. He told us that wherever he went in the kingdom, people kept giving him gold, even if he didn’t actually ask them for it.”

The Lord Crusader and his entourage left the next day, apparently heading towards the site of the abandoned Funland amusement park. The composition of the Lord Crusader’s entourage has caused additional outraged to many in the Church, following the revelation that one of his companions is a vampire, and another is a giant animated pink soft toy.

Sources close to the High Priest report that on hearing of Lord Gaborn’s activities, he declared “I should have him cast out just for the humiliation alone. But perhaps the Lord Crusader has a good explanation for his actions.”

Others in the Church were less inclined to be sympathetic. Father Stigand, Vox Primus of the Dei Vigilare, told the Bugle “This amounts to gross moral turpitude from one who is supposed to set an example. Really, you might almost expect this sort of thing from the Order of Bethseline, but Merl?”

However Sir Gaborn received some support, of a sort, from fellow Lord Crusader Ismay Shepherd, who said “Crusaders are expected to be completely committed to their order, hence our vow of chastity - so no wives / husbands. The other bits and bobs are allowed, subject to taste and decency required of giving a good example to others.”