The Bereny Bugle

Headlines || Archive Index || Letters || Funny Page || Horoscope || Quiz || About the Bugle || Search || Madhouse

- Archive Page Seven -

BARONESS GLAZE CASHES IN ON PUBLIC ADULATION

Dateline: 17-10-515

The famous Baroness Glaze Fierien, has launched a new ‘Mighty Might Baroness Fan Club’ for her many adoring admirers.

Although Baroness Glaze has many critics among the adventuring community and the established noble houses, she also commands a widespread, and sometimes slightly fanatical, following among the general populous.

In a statement from Glazeco, the trading company of the Baroness’ family, the Baroness describes the new organisation as “a beacon to all who wish to improve their battle skills and become more like myself, Bereny’s Greatest Warrior. It does not matter your race, gender or stature within the Kingdom. From the lowliest peasant to the highest nobility, all can join.”

Membership of the MMBFC costs 10 GP, and Glazeco are launching a series of Club Offices around the kingdom. So far they have opened at Crownheart, Lux and Poldoon. Although the danger of goblin attack is keeping the crowds away from the Poldoon office, the Crownheart office has been besieged by crowds of eager fans, a large number of whom are teenage girls, keen to part with their money.

“The Mighty, Mighty Baroness is just so great”, 14-year old Lucy told our reporter outside the Crownheart Office, clutching her Glaze Fierein Wooden Action Figure (16 GP). “I mean, she just so totally saves the Kingdom all the time with her heroic deeds and all. I think that the Regent should ask her to give that King Slime a jolly good thrashing, complete with Mighty Shield Throw.”

The Fan Club promises its members a regular newsletter, where members can “write stories of their adventures, whether its rescuing a cat or defeating some evil Lord of Death.”

However many parents, faced with ever-increasing demands from their offspring for Glaze-related merchandise, are less than happy. “We fear that the Baroness, for all her many qualities, is an unsuitable role model for our children by encouraging violence and so-called ‘heroic’ acts to the detriment of Gods-fearing piety”, said Sister Francine Prissy of the Church of Bethseline. “When did you last hear the Baroness encourage children to attend Church school, or finish their homework? Really, if parents allow this personality cult to take hold of their children’s minds they’ll all end up becoming adventurers instead of getting proper jobs and becoming useful hard-working members of society.”


ROYAL ARMY UNIT FLUSHED AWAY

Dateline: 18-10-515

An entire Company of Royal Army soldiers have been washed away into a network of underground pipes that seem to interconnect across the whole of the eastern part of Bereny, and perhaps even beyond. Fortunately, due to quick and decisive thinking by the unit’s commander, the incident ended with no casualties.

The unit, Duchess Juliette’s Own Royal Heavy Infantry, is a veteran of the battle against The Reaper, where they suffered heavy casualties. They were operating in support of a BEEF operation in the depths of the Caverns of Hasjan.

“Our Liaison Officer, Sir Malevolent Jaundice, told us about this nearby well-shaft and steps which might go down”, said Lt Col Bludden-Gutz, the unit’s commander. “I sent forward me skirmishers, as per standard tactics. Damn silly thing, it was a very mossy/weedy quay-side by an underground river - a few chaps slipped, others tried to help, and before you know it, more than half the unit was flailing away in the river.”

“The 2IC and I quickly decided not to leave the advance boys isolated, so we ordered the whole damn unit to swim for it. Not a great deal of fun in plate armour, I assure you! We were all swept away by swift water into a brass pipe - and ended up a long way away. We landed, got the unit together without too much trouble and have been marching through ancient dwarven tunnels, killing the odd Dark Dwarf crossbowman, and trying to discover where we are. It now transpires, having eventually and fortuitously sighted other Berenians, that we are actually in the Torlian Catacombs.”

“As luck would have it, so the Duchess has informed me, we can be of most use assisting a new Silent Pond mission en route to the depths of these catacombs, in order to find some scrolls. She has ordered to me to put my unit at the disposal of someone called the Old One.”

There have been many reports before of gargantuan brass pipes and other ancient machinery in the depths of the Torlian catacombs, but the revelation that they might run as far as Hasjan, many leagues to the south, has raised some interest among those that study such matters, especially following reports of similar ancient machinery beneath the so-called Antithetical Cathedral.

Meanwhile Lt Col Bludden-Gutz and his men are celebrating their narrow escape. “Not the DJO's finest hour!” said one soldier. “When I was picked to join them, I was told it was an elite force, earmarked for special duties, but no-one gave me an inkling of the madcap and lunatic - sorry, exciting and adventurous - duties involved in serving such a mistress as the Duchess.”


HAPPY EVENT FOR BERENY’S HIGH PRIEST

Dateline: 19-10-515

It has been announced that the High Priest of the United Churches of the Six, His Eminence Morgut Turnipcutter, and his wife Lady Sunshine Dayglow Empire-Turnipcutter, Lady of the Manor of Hillenfole, have become the proud parents of their first child, a son, whom they have named Mortimer Empire Turnipcutter.

The couple, with a small group of companions, are presently exploring in a remote area of The Underworld known as the Ochre Fields, far from any outposts of Berenian civilisation. Despite this, and a difficult labour which is reported to have lasted for 14 hours, mother and baby are said to be doing well, with Lady Sunny no doubt benefiting from the solicitousness of a husband who is Bereny’s senior cleric of the Six.

The statement quotes Lady Sunny as saying that the baby is named after Morgut’s father, but that had she given birth to a girl she would have named her Glaze, after her heroine Baroness Glaze Fierien.

The Regent has offered his personal congratulations to the couple, adding “May he be strong, healthy and a credit to you both in years to come.”

With rumours that one of Lady Sunny’s female companion is also expecting, it would seem that Bereny’s presence in the Underworld is increasing in more ways than anyone had expected.


CENTAUR COUNCIL IS ‘A GUILD OF EVIL’

Dateline: 22-10-515

Doubts over the status of the Centaur race - whether they should be considered as people or as monsters - have again resurfaced after messages were posted all over Bereny claiming that the Centaur Council was a guild of evil and calling on Berenians to strike down their members where they stand. “Centaurs are all evil - stop them before they help the evil one,” the latest message to appear reads.

Centaurs are hybrid creatures who have the legs and body of a horse, while from the neck upwards they have a human torso. It is generally believed by those that study such things that Centaurs are not a natural creature, but the result of some ancient spellcaster's experiments, hinting at some dark origin for the race. There are rumours that most of the centaurs in Bereny fled from their home in the Great Forest to escape an invasion of demons precipitated by a demon-worshipping cult.

There have been those in the past who have warned that centaurs are a tainted race, even some from within the centaurs themselves. Evil or dark centaurs have often been encountered by adventurers and recently have started attacking travellers from a lair close to Crownheart. However, the Centaur Council has itself vowed to exterminate this threat.

“You cast dispersions on the Centaur Council, and yet refuse to name yourself. That is cowardice of the lowest order,” a guild spokesperson responded to the messages.

The appearance of the messages may be related to a public appeal from a Dr Warp of the Bereny Guild of Psychology for any sightings of a centaur known by the name of EL Rozzo, whom Dr Warp claims may have become deranged after failing to take certain pills important to his state of mind. “I fear for his well being, and I appeal to anyone not to take any action against him as it may push him over the edge. He can not be held accountable for his actions”, said the doctor.

Interestingly both the Centaur Council and the Walkers on the Edge are also seeking El Rozzo, apparently over membership irregularities. El Rozzo is believed to be in the vicinity of Icehaunt. “He is not himself at the moment, for reasons that I can not give at the moment, but in due time I am sure I will give my reasons”, concluded Dr Warp.










<< Previous Archive Page                               Back to Archive Index                                 Next Archive Page >>

<< Previous Archive Page                                                                                          Next Archive Page >>